


gray area

by kaiiarei



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drabble, Everything Hurts, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Sadness, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Has Issues, Steve Rogers Is Not Okay, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers-centric, but its there ig, im sorry i wrote this in ten minutes, theres no actual relationship, this is tiny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-29 04:07:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18217991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaiiarei/pseuds/kaiiarei
Summary: Steve used to know how to feel.He doesn't anymore.





	gray area

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty short, I wrote it at midnight in about ten minutes. I have much bigger WIP's which I hope to get posted at some point in the near to distant future. Anyway, this is about 550 words, and I hope y'all enjoy it. Endgame is going to destroy me! This is un-edited, any mistakes are mine. :))

  
“Steve?”    
  
Bucky spoke softly, the honey in his voice spilling through into terror. (It wasn’t evident to anyone else but Steve knows Bucky best no, no, knew Bucky best.)    


Did it hurt, Steve had wondered, collapsing into dust?    
  
Why has the sun abandoned them? He thinks now, staring up at the ashy sky, floating and dark, filled with the disquieting reminders of what used to be people’s bodies.     


Steve misses the effulgent radiance that spilled from the ball of light in the sky, that darkened Bucky’s skin to a fair golden brown, that Steve spent mornings dizzy watching the sun kiss streaks into.    
  
Steve thinks about kissi- no he doesn’t. Steve doesn’t think about Bucky is rule number 1. Rule number 2 is don’t think about Sam. Rule numbers 1 and 2 are the most important rules.    
  
So don’t think about Bucky (he wants to), don’t think about Bucky don’t think about bucky dontthinkaboutbuckyDONTDOITSTOP).    
  
He thinks about Vision’s gray body leaning against his legs, the holes in his skin unrepentant and disconcerting. Steve had spit out two words, oh God, unfamiliar in their taste (funny how his thoughts shift to God even when he doesn’t believe anymore).    
  
Oh God used to mean pleasure, used to mean biting into Bucky’s shoulder to keep quiet, meant teasing Sam (not Sam don’t THINK, Rogers), and there goes rule number 1 (screw rule number 1). Never had they been so ashen and colorless.   
  
Steve stares at the horizon of what used to be Rockaway Beach, now simply a desolate gray area for people to spill their tears into harrowed sand.    
  
Steve Rogers spills his tears into the dead ocean.    
  
Steve Rogers screams high pitched against the wind, and he screams and he screams and he screams and and and and his throat is numb and dry because he hasn’t made a sound in two weeks, hasn’t given anything to the open air, but that’s okay because no one expects him to.    
  
He thought he knew what it was like to be empty. He doesn’t remember how to feel anymore.    
  
The sun contemplates him from above her shroud of ash. There is a permanence set in his bones. She regards him quietly. This transitory scene sets the ash alight.    
  
Steve Rogers falls to his knees, one last time. He buries his face in his hands and wipes the last of the unforgiving rivulets tearing down his cheeks away. He rubs grime away from under his eyes.    
  
Steve Rogers dies here, staring at the ocean. Captain America makes his way back to his knees, shaking his unfamiliar mop of blond hair, and pointing his dead blue eyes toward a dead blue sea. Rule number 3 is don’t think about Steve.    
  
(Always were a fighter, aintcha Stevie) Stevie? Steve. stevie steve steve stevie Steve?   
  
(Nat must be worried oh, Nat, she must know what it’s like to be empty)   
  
Captain America forces himself upwards and he was once Steve Rogers but now he is just empty. Captain America buries Steve Rogers inside until he is dormant, until his cries are too soft.    
  
Captain America stares decidedly at the horizon, like he can almost remember it.    
  
Steve Rogers cries against the void, but there’s no one left to hear him.

**Author's Note:**

> There's that. Sorry.


End file.
